Its like a ride where you spin so fast you think your still, or when you get hurt so bad your body blocks out the fact that your flesh is falling from the bones in your torso. This is a stupid game. I want a boy who has never heard of a shower and starts fights just to get his ass kicked. Who will kiss my eyelids and tell me im not as important as the drugs he did last night. I end up curled up under the stairs with spiderwebs on my faces and worms wrapped around my toes. I suck, For lack of a better word. The one you want, the one you settled for. My head is in the clouds, but i don't mind.
I have been thinking about the way i think -- The way i keep myself so fucking closed off.The way i only let Kathleen close enough to slice me up, And she would never so its safe. Basically the only safe person i know is kathleen, everyone else just -- scares me in a way. Thats my problem, Im antisocial, People will try to make plans with me and i will just ditch so i can lay in bed, and its not that i don't like them, its just that i can't imagine sitting there and making conversation when i just want to be alone in my own thoughts. Thought. Thought blows my mind, the fact that you are CONSTANTLY thinking, you never stop, you think all the time, even when you think your not thinking, to some degree you are thinking. And well i think, im jut not ready to let someone come to close, even in a just friends way, I just get scared, if people know too much about me, they could be the cause of my downfall, and whats a life worth when you are too scared to interact with people on any level other then a surface, polite "you can't touch me because i won't let you love you me" kinda way. Get it? I gotta fix that. Im going to start trying to less antisocial, and more open, and just less-- Less like me. Because i wasn't always like this, I use to give a shit about more then trees and water and sleep.
On a WONDERFUL note, Tomorrow is THE BEST DAY OF THE WEEK. The only day that i feel its okay to leave my house and be around the people i honestly DO love, dispite my negitive weird outlook latley, I love my friends and would kill a --- bumblewasp for them, and if there is one thing i would never go toe to toe with, it is a fucking bumblewasp.
