I just want a night without dreams, I night where i wake up and am happy, not confused and upset about what my subconscious is telling me. This is all just rambling, i never think before i start typing i just start typing, my thoughts don't fit together quite right, and i think that why i can't hold anything together for long. I try, god knows, I just get so frustrated, throw my head to my hands and give up. Because you know sometimes it's alot easier to walk away then stay and endure. So i quit, I quit certain members of my family, And i quit school (more then once), I quit my relationships, I have quit friends. I don't have it in me to stick to anything that even kind of hurts anymore, as soon as something is real, you gotta go. When its real, real and under your skin -- Why be vulnerable when i could be safe. Think of it this way, Emotions that make you happiest, can also make you saddest, so i just avoid. Stay at a calm 50/50 neutral level, nothing hurts, nothings feels exceptionally good, I'm just here because my parents were young and surprise, here's a baby girl who will make your life a living hell until she turns 17 and then make her own life a living hell because she cant stop fucking thinking. I just want to stop thinking. I wish i was retarded. Okay.. not really. But i wish i thought about things like the weather, and hockey, and going on dates. Not the universe, the human soul and why i am on this earth. I don't know what my destiny is and maybe when i do i will feel more fulfilled, and maybe then i will be willing to allow myself to care about something other then my beautiful siblings. I'm in a strange mind state, but at least its better then that time i convinced myself my emotions were just chemical reactions in my brain that weren't as real as they felt. ..Which is true..so uhh.. I'm not really sure whats going on, I came undone and I'm just trying to keep my insides in. Get it? I'm really disappointed with myself right now. I'm sick of feeling more empty then full, And its weird to think that people i barley know can read this and be like "What the fuck is this bitch talking about.." And i don't even know how to explain it. In a one sentence summary i would say, Your emotions aren't real, Love isn't real, Heart break isn't real, Its just chemicals in your brain that aren't mixing right, just like anger and sadness. I'm fucking crazy. Im burning up, This blog is so long, but i haven't vented it all out yet, my brain is still going a million miles a minute. I wish it was acceptable to be drunk all the time. I can't believe i just admitting everything i just said in this blog, Im sick of the day to day. Im sick of excuses, im sick of the shit your friends tell you so you can get through the day without jumping off of a bridge or walking in to traffic. Does anyone else get like this? Im not crazy, there is no way im crazy. I changed my mind, everyone else is crazy for not thinking about this stuff, who gives a fuck about the weather and hockey. More importantly why am i here, why is anyone here. Are you all honestly content going through life knowing you are going to work until your are 70? Maybe you could get a married to man who barley loves you, pop out a few kids who will probably hate you, Live in a house you will spend the rest of your life paying off, and then you die. Okay yeah, you felt love, you produced mini yous and sent them in to the world to live the same shitty life you are going to experience, and for what? If this is happiness and what life is then i quit that too. I give up. I'm going to sleep now, its 5pm, but i can't sit here and look at all this material shit that doesn't mean anything. NOTHING MATTERS. Do you know how stressful that is? No of course not, why would you, you lyke totally have a crush on the hot3st boy and Ur making 10$ an hour to sell shoes to woman who treat you like a dog. This is life? hahah, Fuck this. I'm so dissatisfied with the western way of living. I am moving to a monastery, becoming a monk, and I'm going to find the higher power, and then I'm going to tell him to fuck himself for making money and corrupt government officials the head of our world. I am going to start a revolution, throw bombs in windows and scream "PIGS" at every form of authority i see. I just lost my mind... I think I'm done here...
:) Bobby D, I would let you touch me. (Even though your older then my grandpa)
